When nightfall comes; I can't sleep. I've tried everything out there from over-the-counter meds, to prescriptions and those seem to do the trick for a while, but I don't want to remain on them. I've tried red wine, reading, beer, scotch (not all at once) and of course prayer. My problem is that I lay down and immediately my mind begins racing. It races through the day that I had, the day that I'm supposed to wake up to, all the way back to things I did a month, 6 months, to 20 years ago. I think about decisions I've made, thoughts I've had and conversations with all sorts of people; some of which I have not seen or heard from in a long time.
Then end result is that I feel like I'm better staying up and occupying my time by browsing ESPN or websites about my favortie music groups or even Facebook (maybe that's my problem). Eventually I find myself nodding off around 2 or 3 a.m. and then I head to bed. I've tried going to be earlier, but then I find that I wake up around 3 or 4 in the morning and can't fall back to sleep. I don't drink caffiene past noontime and I don't take meds that keep me wired. I think its probably just another symptom of my ongoing battle with depression. While most think that depressed people have a hard time getting out of bed, and come across as generally having no motivation to get up and move, I also think there is an element to not being able to sleep. I remember Dr. John Kleinig talking about how late at night is traditionally called "the witching hour" for the very reason that we are very weak and tired during the night, both physically and spiritually. Its during this time where I begin to think about so many things, from my own flaws and foibles, to my family and what lies ahead for them in the future, to my parish and my parishioners and what they face day in and day out. Then comes in the worry and doubt and fretting over what is going to happen next Once again my depressed state brings out the selfish thinking that I can solve everyone else's problems or try to be the one who can figure it all out for others. Yet, I'm obviously not doing myself any good. In the midst of writing this I was immediately reminded of Paul Gerhardt's hymn "Now Rest Beneath Night's Shadows". I looked this hymn up online and immediately found solice in what he wrote....Why didn't I think of looking at this earlier? I think I'll be taking this hymn to bed....but not to think about it, but to pray it and hopefully the Lord will grant me a restful night. Your thoughts?
Now rest beneath night’s shadow
The woodland, field, and meadow,
The world in slumber lies;
But Thou, my heart, awake thee,
To prayer and song betake thee;
Let praise to thy Creator rise.
The radiant sun hath vanished,
His golden rays are banished
By night, the foe of day;
But Christ, the Sun of gladness,
Dispelling all my sadness,
Within my heart holds constant sway.
The rule of day is over
And shining jewels cover
The heaven’s boundless blue.
Thus I shall shine in heaven,
Where crowns of gold are given
To all who faithful prove and true.
To rest my body hasteth,
Aside its garments casteth,
Types of mortality;
These I put off and ponder
How Christ will give me yonder
A robe of glorious majesty.
Lord Jesus, who dost love me,
Oh, spread Thy wings above me
And shield me from alarm!
Though evil would assail me,
Thy mercy will not fail me:
I rest in Thy protecting arm.
My loved ones, rest securely,
For God this night will surely
From peril guard your heads.
Sweet slumbers may He send you
And bid His hosts attend you
And through the night watch o’er your beds.
4 comments:
Dear Father:
Know that your well being, and your ministry, are in my prayers. I do think you are on the right track by praying a hymn like this, and along that line, let me suggest what you may already be doing, and that is to devote time, just before retiring for the day, to praying Compline.
Good re-start. Christ's peace be yours, brother.
Or maybe you are just a night person, like I am. I sleep best from 4 am to noon! Unfortunately, the world doesn't go along with my schedule. So, I get up on Sunday morning to play for two services having had only 4-5 hours of sleep, if I am lucky! But those Sunday afternoon naps are wonderful! Since my husband and I are retired, we are staying up later and rising later all the time. For some reason, we get lots done in the night, before we go to bed. So, maybe you should just work with the schedule in your head as much as you can! I get lots of reading, studying, and praying done late at night. I don't worry about not being sleepy anymore. I'm not, so there it is. Take a power nap in the afternoon, and go with the flow!
As the song says, count your blessings instead of sheep....also a warm cup of milk with a touch of honey, reading the good book, NO TV, internet.............a good bed time routine and prayers. Sleep well.
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